Not So Grand Illusions

So many of us are afraid of thinking too highly of ourselves or appearing prideful, but what about always assuming the worst. When we lack self-compassion and continually judge ourselves it becomes easier to do the same to others. It is almost impossible to judge only yourself harshly. Unfortunately judgement and negativity becomes a viscous cycle that can be hard to break. So how do we let go of negative self perceptions without swinging to the other side of the spectrum? Tuning into the truth as it is right now in the present moment………..Ok, easier said than done. Personally I have found that cultivating the skill of acceptance has been extremely helpful. When I first starting learning about 3rd Wave CBT (Mindfulness and Acceptance based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) I was really turned off by the concept of acceptance. It sounded too much like resignation or just plain giving up. Luckily I investigated further and discovered something more subtle and gentle. Acceptance is about being honest with ourselves and acknowledging our truthful feelings, possible biases, and basic desires. Acceptance is the opposite of resistance. When practiced with awareness and an open mind, acceptance can teach us a lot about ourselves and the world around us.

For example, I was recently speaking with some friends about the conclusions we jump to when we don’t get an expected response from a person we know well. It is easy to assume that someone didn’t laugh at our joke because they are mad at us or we just aren’t funny. Usually the reason has less to do with us. A usually jovial friend who doesn’t laugh is probably distracted by a task, received somber news or just is not having a good day. When we engage in acceptance we keep our mind open to current information and not succumb to making assumptions. There are assumptions that seem to be common to many of us. These are often referred to as cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are basic PSYC 101, but I never quit finding value in revisiting them.

The below list of cognitive distortions was retrieved from

  1. All-or-nothing thinking: You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.
  1. Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
  1. Mental filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.
  1. Disqualifying the positive: You reject positive experiences by insisting they “don’t count” for some reason or other. You maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.
  1. Jumping to conclusions: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.
    • Mind reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you and don’t bother to check it out.
    • The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly and feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.
  1. Magnification (catastrophizing) or minimization: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else’s achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow’s imperfections). This is also called the “binocular trick.”
  1. Emotional reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”
  1. Should statements: You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. “Musts” and “oughts” are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.
  1. Labeling and mislabeling: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.” When someone else’s behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him, “He’s a damn louse.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
  1. Personalization: You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event for which, in fact, you were not primarily responsible.

From: Burns, David D., MD. 1989. The Feeling Good Handbook. New York: William Morrow and Company, Inc.


Summer Break

I wanted to take a moment to say that I believe most of us work way too much and play way too little. With this in mind I have decided to take a summer break from my blog. In the last two years I have posted over 300 posts and you have probably heard plenty from me for awhile ;). I won’t be able to stay away for long, but just wanted to keep my subscribers in the loop. I hope you all get to enjoy plenty of summer sunshine. You will hear from me again in the not to far future. Nameste

Published in: on June 13, 2012 at 7:04 pm  Leave a Comment  
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The Long Haul to Discover Success

As many of my students are expressing concerns about not sticking to their New Year’s resolutions, I thought it might be the perfect time to discuss long-term goals.  What motivates us to stick to long-term goals?  What barriers get in the way of realizing our dreams?  Why do we often lose our sense of engagement with our commitments?  These are all questions I am sure we have all asked ourselves at some point.  The answers will not only be individualized to each person, but also unique to each particular endeavor. Let us explore some of the most common challenges to long-term goals.

  • the goal that we have set is unrealistic or unsustainable
  • we disregard the natural ebb & flow of other life challenges/stresses
  • failure to incorporate self-compassion into our plan
  • rigidity, all-or-nothing thinking
  • going it alone, unwilling to engage the help of others

So what are some ways to be more successful in realizing our dreams?

  • have a flexible view about what success looks like
  • monitor and adjust your plans according to changes in your life circumstances
  • treat yourself with kindness and compassion
  • positive thinking and visualization, imagine yourself succeeding
  • celebrate achievements along the path
  • include others in your plans and celebrations
  • make sustainable lifestyle changes and not just time-lined end goals

This obviously is not an exhaustive writing on success, but instead is meant as a jumping off point or overview.  It is my wish that everyone feel empowered to strive and push their boundaries, but in a way that cultivates self-compassion.  I believe without challenging ourselves we loss passion and a sense of truly being alive.  Along with energetic passion there comes the need to find balance through rejuvenating thoughts and actions.  Finding that balance is an ever evolving challenge that keeps us on our toes and keeps life interesting.